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  • Writer's pictureDenishea Young

I Feel So Lonely: Rough Times

Hey, How have you all been?

Me you ask?

Well lets just say it's been rough.

Writing is a lonely endeavor. And it’s difficult to stay encouraged. Especially when you are just starting out and what you expect doesn’t happen. It’s a struggle to keep your spirits up and your focus steady when you come across barriers and roadblocks that you were not expecting.

I gotta say, this experience of trying to write professionally is hard. I didn’t think it was going to be easy but I was naïve at just how much work, determination and perseverance goes into it. I used to scoff at work that was obviously not very well done.

But now…

I still think that work can be done better. However, I admire the author for their perseverance and successfully scaling the walls. They after all did publish their book. I, like many people, watch and read content provided by various people on the internet and while I used to wonder at how they got so much put out so fast. (I still do) I now have a greater understanding of the work ethic, tenacity and sheer grit that goes into getting the work that they choose up there.

I mean. I have recently started to build and maintain a mandatory goal of writing at least 15 minutes everyday. It has helped tremendously with getting me to write everyday (at least during the weekdays. I am still working on staying consistent on the weekends) however, I still feel like I am no closer to accomplishing the overall goals that I want to achieve and truth be told that’s a hard and lonely feeling to deal with.

It’s good awful lonely.

Yeah I know you aren’t supposed to admit it... but it's the truth.

Writing is something that only the person writing can do. It’s not a job I can share unless I am writing with someone else and right now that is not the case. So with the advice of a trusted individual I have sought out writing groups. Granted they are so far all online (thanks Covid 19) but it’s a step forward in not feeling so very lonely. So far I have found that is a great resource. I knew this. I even had an account with them since 2016 but I never really explored it to figure out just what all I could do.

Ahh the folly of youth.

Or perhaps I just wasn’t in a place where I was able to fully understand and appreciate all the services it had to offer (in my defense the site was extraordinarily confusing to me at the time. It has only been through repeated exposure and determination that I have finally learned how to navigate it pretty well. Sometimes I still get lost. The latest updates to the site have helped.)

Now with any online group there are some obstacles that one doesn’t automatically take into consideration such as people being in different countries, with different time zones and everyone not being in the same cycle of life.

What do I mean by people being in different cycles of life?

Some people in the group work from home and make their own schedules, some people are still in school and even that has variations. The time requirements and commitments are different for middle schoolers, to high schoolers, to college and graduate students. Some people may work full time and this is just a little extra writing with others it is a stepping stone to a future writing career. I am at a point in my life where I work when they want to meet. So this is an obstacle. One that I am not letting stop me. I am seeking other avenues to write.

I also am a part of Scribophile, which is a critic writing platform that requires one to read and edit others' work before being able to post one's own work. While I haven’t gotten to the point that I can post my own work yet... I am working on it. It’s on the list...

The written down list.

It's totally going to happen...


I say all this to say. That I have been struggling. It’s hard facing the reality that your work has landed into the world and didn’t cause the earth shattering revelations that you expected. It’s hard to go through the struggle of feeling unworthy or less than because you didn’t succeed where you know you are meant to be.

I have always appreciated others' work but now I have gained a new layer of appreciation for other artists, creators and writers and admire the work, and just sheer tenacity that they had to have in order to continue work that may never get recognition from the world. Because let's be honest. I can say and mean it, that I write for myself yet I still want to be recognized and accepted by the world for my work. I understand that it will not be accepted or wanted by many but for the readers out there that like the genres I write in. I want it to hit them and make them stop and think. I want it to cause feelings and emotions that they were not expecting when going in. Or maybe by the time they get to that piece of work they are familiar with my work and expecting it.

I am indeed still here. I am still working on posting on time or roundabouts the correct day/week. I haven't given up and if anything I have learned more and I am trying to push boundaries and use the knowledge I’ve learned to scale my various hills, mountains and of course walls.

You remember that goal/challenge I had for myself of working on my outline for ten minutes each day for thirty days. Well I didn’t complete the challenge but what I did complete was my goal. Which was to create an outline.

Do you want to know how long it took?

Go on guess...

One day of 10 minutes of writing.

All that anxiety and build up I had for writing it and it was all over in 10 minutes. I was elated to have it complete and annoyed with myself that it took so long to finally do it. Yet in doing it I learned something new. Now that I have the outline I realized the next step is to complete the character profiles. So guess what the next challenge for myself is going to be. Yep, working on the character profiles.

I am also trying something new, writing sprints. It’s quite fun actually. It's where you write for a set amount of time taking note of your word count in the beginning and once the time period is completed you calculate the total amount of words you just did in that time period. I like it because no matter how much or how little you type you are writing and it feels like you are winning and who can’t use that boost.

Okay the original purpose of this article was to say this. I was having a rough time because I felt like I was failing. Not getting my blog posts done on the scheduled Thursdays. Not updating or fixing the website. Not writing. Not researching. Just not and those nots and feelings of failure compounded until I felt like I just shouldn’t and couldn’t. I can’t say that I won’t slip back into those feelings again but what I can say is that I am learning. I am growing and I am trying to be transparent. Maybe a little too transparent but I would rather be honest and let you the reader know what’s going on and if you are a writer that you are not alone. I wish I had known that my experience is quite common, that others have steeped in the tea of loneliness, the cage of fear and languished in the blackhole of despair. Because I have been there it freaking SUCKS! I am so grateful I have family, friends and honestly work. Without them I would have not been able to come back.

So I have some projects in the work. There are three long stories going on. Three short stories and one novella. Yeah I know it’s a lot. Hence I am making sure to workout four times a week. Also I am reaching out to others trying to learn and get a mentor and an in-person writing group with whom to commiserate. I am not trying to be part of too many groups but I am trying to create a circle for myself of others with similar goals so I can share my struggles and learn from them and they me as I go along this journey.

What I mean by that is while some people can meet at 11-12 in the morning I can not. I gotta work.

Hold up, what a minute…

Did I just write this entire blog post to vent my frustration at being unable to fully participate in my online group because they want to meet while I am at work?

Well…. How about that... a discovery.

I hope this article helps you discover something new about yourself too or maybe just workout what’s been bothering you.

Until next time some updates.

It has come to my attention that while my website provider does automatically create a mobile version of the site it doesn’t do the best job. So I have painstakingly gone through each page to correct the format and correct links. It should all be working and much more user friendly. If you find something isn’t working let me know in the comments below. I greatly appreciate it.

The last installment of Happy Hills and Forlorn Fields is up. You can check it out at the link below:

Annoyed by the randomness of posting schedule then join my Facebook group page so you can be among the first to be notified that the a new post has been released or a new work posted.

I hope you have a great day and remember to be kind to yourself in your self talk.

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